Pen Pal Project
Romance and Love: Dead or Alive?
Pen Pal Project #11
Welcome to our collaborative series where Gen (Genevieve) and Francis (both Medium writers) become companions of the written word. Through these intimate letters, we embark on a poignant voyage, sharing our innermost thoughts, cherished experiences, and profound discoveries. As pen pals navigating the digital landscape, we weave together the threads of our lives, exploring the depths of both profound and everyday subjects. Each letter offers you a glimpse into our worlds, an open invitation to join us in forging connections and engaging in contemplation. Come, embark on this journey of shared expressions, as we unravel the captivating intricacies of friendship and the enduring power found within the written word.
September 15, 2023
Dear Gen,
You wrote:
Here goes my first attempt at convincing you that romance isn’t dead.
It doesn’t seem that the discussion is about whether romance is dead or alive. On the contrary, romance is omnipresent. You can’t escape it if you tried.
There is no right and wrong here. The discussion is what does love and romance mean to us individually.
I believe that there are as many definitions of love and romance as there are people on this planet. The question I would pose is:
Is your definition of love and romance serving you?
If our definition is serving us then that’s a wonderful thing. By all means, continue with that path. If it isn’t serving us, we might consider trying something new.
My Definition of Love and Romance
Rather than try to put the definition of love into my own words, I’ll use a quote that describes my definition so eloquently.
The actual flow of love has to do with you and your heart. It has nothing to do with anybody else. It is an energy flow coming through your heart that you experience inside. Undoubtedly, certain people or circumstances can cause your heart to open or close. But the action of opening and closing is something your heart is doing, not the other person.
Michael Singer, Living Untethered
This flow of love is the energetic glue that binds the universe. It can’t be taken away or given to someone else because everyone already has it. Some people call it unity consciousness. What I can do, is observe someone else that is connected and aware of their flow of love.
In relation to my definition of love, romance is when two people can observe the energetic flow of love in themselves and the other. It is romantic to share our individual completeness with each other. We can marvel at how we have both found our own internal flow of love that is not dependent on the other. We can move together in the flow of life anchored in our connection to the universal flow of love.
To add to this, DL Nemeril wrote:
We’ve been sold a load of nonsense about romance and relationship. The beginning is fun, but then it’s time to know who you both really are and how that works together. Another person helps us to see what we can’t see in ourselves — the functional and the nonfunctional.
For me, the best relationship where both support each other, and share the road.
Saint Exupery (of Le Petit Prince fame) said — To love is not to look at each other. It is to look together in the same direction.
That quote that she provided by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry is worthy of being repeated with more discussion.
To love is not to look at each other. It is to look together in the same direction.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
That is such a rich and deeply profound statement. It flies in the face of most definitions because it is saying that love has nothing to do with the other. So do not look at the other. I believe that Antonine also believed that love is an internal source. So don’t look at the other as a source of love, look at the path you take together when you are connected to your own love.
That’s romance.
What I Think Your Definition Is.
In your last letter to me, Gen, you expressed what your definition of love and romance were.
I think you have a wonderfully classic experience of love and romance. It is the same experience that I had for so many years. It served me so well until it didn’t. It no longer serves me for the simple reason that I’m choosing something different.
I’d like to echo what I’ve read in your words to see if I understand what you are trying to say.
You said,
When I have the worst of heartaches, I run to Barry.
Gen
Here are some of the lyrics to that song.
Up, down, tryin’ to get the feelin’ again
Where did it run to? I thought I’d done all that I could
Just to keep the love light burnin’
But whatever I’ve done I guess, I just haven’t done it too good
’Cause all that’s left is yearnin’-Barry Manilow,
Tryin’ to Get the Feeling Again
You also wrote:
Even if Love ends in heartbreak, experiencing love is still a transformative and enriching emotion that I would experience again and again, even if it was the last breath I take.
Gen
and you wrote about your beautiful romantic (your definition) story of forbidden childhood love. You could write an entire romantic novel around that story!
If you’ve ever experienced forbidden love, it can be such a complex and emotionally challenging experience, especially if society and your family prevent the relationship from being fully realized. Experiencing forbidden love can be a powerful catalyst for self-discovery into the depths of emotions, and our capacity to love fiercely.
I would do it all over again if I was able to.
- Gen
When I put that all together, I’m not sure I can fully understand what your separate definitions of love and romance are.
However, what I can understand is that your experience of love and romance together involves loss, heartache, yearning and forbiddenness. Together you find those experiences transformative, enriching and a powerful catalyst for self discovery. And you would also love to experience more heartache, yearning and forbidden love if you could.
I think that’s wonderful! I’ve already had lots of that in my life and it is very alluring. The experience of the wild swings of emotional ups and downs creates so much wonderful drama and tension. It’s what makes the traditional definition of romantic movies, novels and songs so appealing to the billions of people that have lived on this planet. It is definitely one of the most sought after experiences that souls desire.
Forbidden Love
Forbidden love is such an interesting topic. It’s a paradox in a way. The allure of forbidden love requires that the two people have little to no chance of being together. The more forbidden the love, the less chance of success and the more exciting it becomes.
Forbidden love can also be viewed as unavailability or in terms of attachment styles it is avoidant.
It is the excitement of the chase of something unattainable because you know deep down that you can never have them.
The opposite is completely available and attainable. There is no doubt that you will be together.
Nobody ever writes a romantic song, movie or novel where the outcome is assured. Imagine a story where both parties are completely available and there is no conflict. Nobody would want to read that story. That is human nature to want the struggle. That is why famously rich people become self destructive with drugs, alcohol and sex. When everything comes too easy, it’s … boring.
Unless you can transcend the human condition.
It’s All Perfect
Any definition of love and romance is totally valid because we all create our own realities. To choose the excitement of the rapids is just as valid as choosing the tranquility of the lazy river.
Maybe one day, I might find the rapids appealing again and who knows I might pursue that experience again. I don’t know what I don’t know. But for now, my body, mind and soul wants something new.
