Pen Pal Project #13
I Contemplated My Death
And Here’s What Happened
Welcome to our collaborative series where Gen(Genevieve) and Francis (both Medium writers) become companions of the written word. Through these intimate letters, we embark on a poignant voyage, sharing our innermost thoughts, cherished experiences, and profound discoveries. As pen pals navigating the digital landscape, we weave together the threads of our lives, exploring the depths of both profound and everyday subjects. Each letter offers you a glimpse into our worlds, an open invitation to join us in forging connections and engaging in contemplation. Come, embark on this journey of shared expressions, as we unravel the captivating intricacies of friendship and the enduring power found within the written word.
Gen’s previous letter:
October 30, 2023
Dear Gen,
My journey with death started with a book. “Tuesdays with Morrie” is a heartfelt and inspirational memoir written by Mitch Albom. The book chronicles Mitch’s reconnection with his former college professor, Morrie Schwartz, who is battling ALS. Each Tuesday, Mitch visits Morrie, and together they engage in deep conversations about life, death, love, and the human condition. Morrie teaches Mitch that
“Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.”
Then many years later, I read that the people of Bhutan are the happiest people on the planet. They attribute it to the daily contemplation of death. I’ve been fascinated by death ever since.
However, just a few days ago, I finished reading a novel called, ”The Art of Racing in the Rain”. The main character is a dog named Enzo. In one scene, Enzo observes the death of a woman in the novel.
She died that night. Her last breath took her soul, I saw it in my dream. I saw her soul leave her body as she exhaled, and then she had no more needs, no more reason; she was released from her body, and, being released, she continued her journey elsewhere, high in the firmament where soul material gathers and plays out all the dreams and joys of which we temporal beings can barely conceive, all the things that are beyond our comprehension, but even so, are not beyond our attainment if we choose to attain them, and believe that we truly can.
— Garth Stein (The Art of Racing in the Rain)
So I began contemplating death again. What is it about death that teaches me how to live?
When I close my eyes and take a deep breath in, I’m breathing in life. I hold on to the breath until I exhale. When I exhale, it is a death of sorts. It is releasing and letting go.
But my fascination is in that infinitesimal moment between the inhale and exhale, the holding and the letting go. It is the precipice between life and death.
I saw her soul leave her body as she exhaled, and then she had no more needs, no more reason
What does that mean — having no more needs?
Precipice
I imagine the lightness and the purity,
A precipice between life and death.It is twilight and the dawn is unsure.
A new journey begins,
My hand begins to slip from the grasp
of Earth’s warm embrace.Hunger melts in the warmth of the stars.
respect
…….…… ego
……..…….. validation
………..…………. apologies
………………………. possessions
………………………………… perfection
………………..…..……. pleasing
……………..……… control
………… expectations
..……… trust
successAll these needs,
I let go.For I am no longer the wave.
I am the Ocean.
I no longer need.
I am all that is.This is not death welcoming me ...
It is shedding my mortal skin ...
Earthly needs washed away …Rebirth
- Francis Lee
Years ago I was telling someone that I strive to live a life without needs. Of course I have basic survival needs such as air, water, food and shelter. But anything beyond that I would like to let go of. They couldn’t understand why I would want to view my life without needs and thought that it was a way to avoid trauma.
What I couldn’t get them to understand was that almost all our needs come from outside of us. Except for our basic survival needs all other percieved needs are a way to feel happy or joyful. For example, we hope that romantic partners will give us that feeling of love and acceptance. Financial success will give us a feeling of security and self worth.
So instead of spending my life searching and needing the right romantic partner and financial success, what if I just connected to my innate and internal feelings of love, acceptance, security, and self worth. What if I went inside and searched there. It seems foolish to seek something outside of me when it already exists within me from the day I was born. Those external elements always come and go but the internal source is infinite and permanent.
That is the spiritual path. Seek within and let go without.
What a beautiful place this would be to live … if I had no more needs. I would be able to tap into that infinite joy and love anytime I want. I could joyfully connect with people without needing anything from them. I wouldn’t need them to interact with me in a certain way. I wouldn’t need them to be a certain way.
If someone was rude to me, my reaction would be, “that is so interesting that they are feeling that way today. I wonder what intriguing story is happening in their life. People are the most fascinating creatures!” I have no need for them to be any other way except the way they are in that moment.
Slowly, over the years, I have let go of many needs. One example is that I have no need to have friends. Yet, I have more close friends than I have time to spend with them. It is a paradox. Once you let go of a need, it shows up in abundance.
The latest one that I’ve been working on is the need for love. I think I’m there. Can I say it? Yes. I have no need for love. Yet, I have access to my eternal and infinite fountain of love that flows through my heart. Letting go of the need for love is probably about the biggest thing there is for humans. I like to start big and go small.
You would have to carefully read what I’m saying to understand what I’m saying. It sounds absurd unless you understand that love flows through me. Love flows through everybody. We don’t need to get it from someone else. If people understood that, it would transform their lives.
So I imagine I’m on my deathbed, I’m on the precipice. I finally get it. I understand about love and where it comes from. I laugh at all the years I spent searching for it, agonizing over losing it, needing it and wanting it. I had it the whole time. And then I feel that love energy connecting to everything and everyone in our universe. It can neither be given or taken away.
I have no needs in that moment.
There is just bliss.
I am there now.
Needs are the Seed of the Earth’s Destruction
This may sound like an overdramatization but ponder this. There are so many people in this world that view shopping as one of their needs. They view material possessions as a need. This is diseased consumerism and this perceived need is the engine that drives all the pollution and climate related devastation of our environment.
In the desperate search to feel good, people buy things they don’t need. They sacrifice the planet to find something that is fleeting. A shiny new car makes them feel good. For a little while. Then the feeling is gone. Another new phone will make them feel better, until it doesn’t. This is seeking transitory joy from external objects. It’s madness when all the joy they need already resides inside them. We are literally annhilating our planet in the search of joy.
So I try to view every material object as something that I don’t need. I certainly try not to buy anything new because I don’t need it to be new. Can I repair what I have to make it last longer? If I can’t, can I buy it used? How will this purchase affect my environment?
I just picked up a free bike trainer from the classifieds for my 38 yo bike — no need to mine more materials and manufacture a new one. I’m so excited that I can exercise indoors in the winter without affecting the environment.
Lots of my friends laugh when they see how old the things are that I have. My Toyota 4Runner is 26 years old. I have a down jacket that is over 30 years old. I just added 10 more years of life by painting flex seal on the seams that were breaking down, saving the life of a goose.
Every purchase of a new product directly damages the environment, flora and fauna.
Don’t get me started on Temu. It’s a Chinese marketing company posing as an ecommerce marketplace. It’s offering millions of products at pennies on the dollar. Millions of people have been sucked into this consumerism. It turns out that Temu has no intention of making money from the retail sales. It’s diabolically making money from selling the users personal information and shopping habits to other retailers. In the meantime, utterly worthless junk is being squeezed out of the planet and will soon end up discarded and polluting our environment.
Reasons
I saw her soul leave her body as she exhaled, and then she had no more needs, no more reason
What does that mean to have no more reasons? Why would we let go of reasons before we die? This is a perplexing question.
Every choice we make has a reason. Every reason is based on the past. This requires much contemplation.
Why did I choose the chocolate ice cream over the vanilla? Because I’ve tasted chocolate before and I prefer it over vanilla. That’s a reason based on a past experience.
Why did I choose a particular partner? Because my subconscious was looking for a partner that would reflect my unmet childhood needs and unresolved issues from my parents in order to successfully change the outcome with my adult partner to feel more loved. That’s a reason based on a past experience.
Even choices that appear to be based on the present or future are based on the past. As a teenager, why did I choose to become a geophysicist working in the oil industry? At the time, I thought that it was simply because I liked the idea of making lots of money to be able to retire early. Which is really because I was placing wealth over personal fulfillment and socially positive impact. Which is really because when I was a child my parents placed the importance of money over most everything else. That’s a reason based on the past.
After contemplating this for years, I’ve realized that all our reasons and preferences and even our knowledge is based on the past. To prove this, imagine if our entire past life experience was erased. You would have no knowledge, no language, no preferences and no reasons. You wouldn’t even know what cold and hot are. You would be starting from nothing.
And that is the magnificence, the beauty and the power of having no reasons.
When I start from nothing, I start with everything. That is the universe presenting me with pure, infinite potential.
A Life Without Reasons
It could take several books to describe a life without reasons, but one long story will have to do.
Our reasons or preferences act as a restrictive filter that limits the infinite potential of the universe. Our filter only allows us to engage exclusively with prefered individuals and encounters. Countless people and experiences remain beyond our awareness, drifting past our filter.
To give an example, I was listening to a radio program today and the topic was, “what names of people could you not have a relationship with?” A woman called in and said,”I would never have a relationship with a man named Steve. That’s the name of my abusive ex-boyfriend. I just couldn’t say that name everyday.”
It’s such a perfect example of how an event in the past gives this person a reason to make a choice. But her past has created a filter so that every man named Steve would never be chosen as a partner. But if she had no reasons, then every man named Steve could be a potential partner.
If you were to surrender to everything that showed up in your life without reason, you would be presented with an unfiltered buffet of all you can eat experiences and people.
Needs and Reason — Our Savior or Our Destruction
Holding on to our needs and reasons will lead to our destruction. Letting go of our needs and reasons will save our planet.
Because of our needs, our world is in a state of upheaval, accelerating its disintegration. Social structures, political systems, and most notably, our ecological balance, are deteriorating. Is it a certainty that humanity will become extinct and that we are in the throws of the 6th mass extinction? No, but the likelihood is extremely high. It’s challenging to envision a different outcome. Presently, millions of individuals and animal species are experiencing severe suffering. Drought, fire, heat, hurricanes and flooding are happening at a biblical scale. I’ve read that there are scientists that are sure that the ice caps and glaciers will all melt and every coastal city will be flooded. There is no stopping it. It’s just a matter of time. The animals are going extinct first and then when they are all gone, we will follow. We find ourselves in a precarious situation, and it’s a future foretold by many a science fiction movie.
While I’ve discussed how our percieved needs are destroying our ecosystems, our reasons are killing each other.
Decades ago I read that World war III would start in the middle east. Both sides have a reason to kill each other. The reason is because both sides say, “that is our land and you killed some of us trying to get it back.” The killing will never end until they let go of reasons.
Imagine that everyone in the middle east had their memories wiped out. Vengence would disappear. They could start with nothing and gain everything. They would forget who took what and who killed who. They would forget that nationalities existed and perhaps they would just assume they were all the same. All their reasons for killing would be gone. They would live together in peace.
Will it ever happen in my lifetime? They’ve been killing each other over land for thousands of years in the middle east, so sadly, it’s not likely. Well, maybe in a few centuries if I’m being optimistic.
As I contemplate my death, I also contemplate the death of the planet and societies. I have come to some realizations.
I can only start with me.
I can start by letting go of my needs and reasons.
I can see that this letting go leads to immense joy and love.
I can see that this way of being is transformational.
I can see that this is peace.
I hope that others can see this.
I hope that others can do this.
I can.
We can.
