Gen and Francis: The Pen Pal Project #9
The illusion of romance and how my checklist for a partner went out the window.
Welcome to our collaborative series where Gen (Genevieve) and Francis (both Medium writers) become companions of the written word. Through these intimate letters, we embark on a poignant voyage, sharing our innermost thoughts, cherished experiences, and profound discoveries. As pen pals navigating the digital landscape, we weave together the threads of our lives, exploring the depths of both profound and everyday subjects. Each letter offers you a glimpse into our worlds, an open invitation to join us in forging connections and engaging in contemplation. Come, embark on this journey of shared expressions, as we unravel the captivating intricacies of friendship and the enduring power found within the written word.
August 29, 2023
Dear Gen,
You asked me in your last letter about whether I had a checklist for a partner:
Do you have a checklist? I’d love to hear yours. Ten things? What ten things are your expectations of a perfect, blissful relationship, your ultimate Zepherine? As I got older, my checklist started to dwindle from ten (10) to the following top three (3).
Must give 100% the entire time to each other when together
Must be willing to Live, Love and Laugh.
Leave the past behind.
Oh yes, I’ve been there before. I have created checklists and even a vision board for a romantic partner. Then what I found was that the next person I would meet had most of the items on the list but then they had an undesirable quality that I didn’t think of. So I added that to the list. But then it happened again with a new partner. So I kept adding to the list and finally I saw the futility in creating a list.
It felt like creating a checklist for a romantic partner and continuously adding to it was like trying to build a flawless puzzle by collecting more and more pieces from different puzzle sets. Each time I found a new piece that seemed to fit, I added it to my collection. But the pieces were coming from different puzzles and they were all white! I was even starting to force pieces together that didn’t quite fit, hoping to create a perfect picture.
I felt that by creating a checklist for a partner I was trying to construct a perfect image of a partner. I thought that just like puzzle pieces, people are complex and unique, and trying to force them into a predefined checklist can lead to overlooking their true essence and missing out on genuine connections. So I’m simply surrendering to who shows up in my life and trying to see the perfection in their imperfection.
It’s a challenging process because I still have a part of me that wants to hang on to the idea of the perfect partner. Most of me though, knows that it’s an illusion and fantasy.
The Death of Romance
You said:
I am sorry that you did not have quite a romantic getaway. I am hoping you still felt rested, your soul intact, and your heart remains filled with love.
I’ve been wanting to write a story about romance and now seems to be the perfect time.
I like to be impeccable with my words so when I use words, I like to truly explore what they mean.
The Cambridge dictionary defines romance as:
a close, usually short relationship of love between two people
I also found this:
In the strictest academic terms, a romance is a narrative genre in literature that involves a mysterious, adventurous, or spiritual story line where the focus is on a quest that involves bravery and strong values, not always a love interest.
That’s so fascinating. The two items that jump out at me is “short relationship” and a “quest … not always a love interest”.
I feel that romance has been fueled so much by media such as books, movies and songs. They create such an impossible to fulfill experience for humans. I know this because I’ve been such a hopeless romantic for most of my life. From songs to movies, I love the happily ever after ending and even the death from romance ending.
Isn’t this the ultimate romantic story of all time? I can still feel it just watching this clip. It fits the definition. It was a short relationship and it was a mysterious and adventurous story line where the focus is on a quest that involves bravery and strong values.
It’s such a great ending for Rose because she gets to live on. But poor Jack. He gets to die a horrible frozen death in the darkness of the Atlantic. His body would be a frozen dinner for some hungry sharks. Oh, but it’s so romantic though!
When I search for the most romantic song of all time, “All of Me” by John Legend is near the top of the list.
What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You’ve got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
Here’s a man that is drawn irresistibly to a sarcastic and disrespectful woman who has a “smart mouth”. He’s so confused by her unconscious behavior that his head is spinning but he’s uncontrollably attracted to her.
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
Both of them are in a state of unconsciousness.
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose, I’m winning
’Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you,
But despite that he declares that she is everything to him. Even if he is losing, he feels like he’s winning. What happened to win win? The trade off is that if he gives her everything then she should give him everything.
This is such an unrealistic portrayal of relationships. It requires a person to give their entire self to the other person without any room for other aspects of life. There is also an unrealistic unwavering passion demanded.
Two years ago, I was the temporary marriage commissioner for two friends of mine. This was the song they chose for their wedding march.
My point in all of this is that media creates an illusion that romance is love. It isn’t.
Romance Reborn
When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No… don’t blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn’t sound very exciting, does it? But it is!
This is my favorite quote about love from the movie (and book), “Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.”
I’ve spent most of my life looking for “Titanic Romance”. The truth is, I doesn’t exist in the real world. The sad fact is that every human is born into childhood trauma. Nobody escapes this. This trauma feeds unconscious behavior which leads to conflicts in relationships. It’s inescapable. There are times when I feel it might be better not to know this but once the genie leaves the bottle, you can’t put it back.
So no, I didn’t have a romantic getaway. The genie is permanently out of the bottle and the old romance doesn’t exist for me anymore. Being “in love” doesn’t happen anymore. I just skip it. It’s not because I want to. It’s because I see it as an illusion and I can’t pretend.
It’s because I’ve finally connected to my inner source of love and I’m not searching for it outside of me anymore.
Doesn’t sound very exciting, does it?
It wasn’t exciting at all! Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I will experience my roots so entwined that it is inconceivable that we should ever be apart. Maybe that’s the truth. Maybe I’ll experience what’s left after being in love has burned away.
Maybe that’s the new romance redefined.
That’s a lot of maybes. For now, I can’t see that far ahead. I can’t feel that far ahead.
I surrender to the wisdom of the universe.
I surrender to the flow.
