Gen and Francis: The Pen Pal Project #7
Journey through the Land of Mystery
Welcome to our collaborative series where Gen (Genevieve) and Francis (both Medium writers) become companions of the written word. Through these intimate letters, we embark on a poignant voyage, sharing our innermost thoughts, cherished experiences, and profound discoveries. As pen pals navigating the digital landscape, we weave together the threads of our lives, exploring the depths of both profound and everyday subjects. Each letter offers you a glimpse into our worlds, an open invitation to join us in forging connections and engaging in contemplation. Come, embark on this journey of shared expressions, as we unravel the captivating intricacies of friendship and the enduring power found within the written word.
Tuesday, August 8, 2023
Dear Gen,
As the words flow from my heart and soul, I’m feeling grateful to have you in my life to express my life journey.
I’ve found myself in the midst of a paradise and a delectable surrender experiment. “The Surrender Experiment” by Michael Singer is a message and an offer that I’ve made a lifelong commitment to. Essentially, the book asks, “What if you surrendered to the universe? What if you trusted the support and wisdom of the universe? What if you let go of wanting and needing? What if you stopped chasing after things in life and let the universe bring experiences to you. What if you let go of control and laid back in the buoyant waters of surrender and let yourself be carried away into the land of mystery?
Back in December of 2022, I did an experiment where I started online dating. I had discovered that my unconscious mind had been choosing partners based on childhood experiences. I was often choosing unavailable women. The unavailability showed up in ways that I couldn’t detect at first.
If my unconsciousness was choosing, what if I let go of choice and let the universe choose a partner. I posted a profile and surrendered to the person that the universe provided. This woman was so available that she wanted to go on vacation with me after a month of dating. I surrendered to that request and it led me on a journey through British Columbia. This is the story.
Packing the Essentials
To prepare for this journey, I would need an intention and a practice.
I think that one of the few people that is reading our letters is Natalie. Natalie wrote a story about how she communicates with written letters which allows her to be heard. The story became food for thought.
I have spent a lifetime exploring communication. Moving from an inability to communicate my feelings to full expression of my feelings, the path has meandered it’s way back to the beginning where I stand now.
Expressing harmony is easily expressed. What I believe in this moment is that the concern of communicating one’s feelings to another, in the context of any relationship, is to express discordance. And the only reason to express discordance is the desire for that person to change their behavior.
What I have observed is that each person is on their own schedule of evolution regardless of who I am, how I am feeling or what I express to them. Through decades of observing my social interactions as well as those around me, expressing one’s feelings to another does very little to change that person’s unconscious behavior. That behavior is the result of childhood trauma that is deeply embedded.
The only thing that I can change is my response to that person’s behavior.
Thus, my intention on this vacation, is to simply allow this woman to be her and to be deeply seated in my internal peace. My practice is to listen, observe and let go. I packed those two items for my trip.
I also brought some food for thought. It’s an Asian dish best served steaming hot:
Being and non-being create each other.
Difficult and easy support each other.
Long and short define each other.
High and low depend on each other.
Before and after follow each other.Therefore the Master
acts without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
Things arise and she lets them come;
things disappear and she lets them go.
She has but doesn’t possess,
acts but doesn’t expect.
When her work is done, she forgets it.
That is why it lasts forever.Lao Tzu
Oh, and my toothbrush. Can’t forget my toothbrush.
On the Road Again
You can tell a lot about a person by how they drive. I almost always drive near the speed limit especially on long stretches of highway. It seems that few people do the speed limit. Waves of vehicles rush past me. Everyone is in a hurry.
Difficult and easy support each other.
She, on the other hand travels at about 20 to 30 km/h over the speed limit. My “slow” driving, drives her crazy and because we are taking her vehicle, she does all the driving.
When there is someone in front of her in the passing lane she pulls up to within 10 feet of their bumper (at 120 km/hr) to let them know that they should pull over to the middle lane. It’s disconcerting and highly unsafe. I deviated from my practice and suggested that she could simply drive in the middle lane. It didn’t go over well.
the Master
acts without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
I confirmed what she had already told me. Her childhood trauma had created a tension and chaos in her being. Her mind runs at high speed. Thoughts and words fly about as if a storm was brewing. Her driving was simply a reflection of her mind.
So, for the rest of the trip, I do nothing and I say nothing. I did make a mental note not to be a passenger with her on the highway.
You Say Tomato, I Say Tomato
Can you imagine a bird and a fish going on a date? Or having a relationship? Either the bird has to go underwater and drown or the fish has to go on land and suffocate. It’s highly incompatible. Even the AI that created that image is confused, so it added a claw to the fish. It just doesn’t make sense.
The romantic would see some way for the fish and the bird to be together. The romantic would see this:
There will always be incompatibilities in relationship. The question is whether the incompatibility is so great that someone is either going to let a piece of them die or feel suffocated. How much discordance am I willing to accept? The answer is not much.
In my case, we have a few other differences but I don’t want this discussion to be about right and wrong so it doesn’t really matter what the specifics are. The driving was just an example of incompatibility. The incompatibilities aren’t even that great compared to other women I’ve been with. But they still produce disharmony for me.
I’m grateful for her coming into my life because she’s the one who suggested we go on vacation together. I wasn’t even planning on a vacation this year but now I’m already thinking of going on another one — by myself!
I’m still processing whether we are an incompatible fish and bird. Or perhaps it’s not that bad and we are a seagull and a robin. I’m leaning towards incompatible. I observe so many fish and birds in relationships amongst my friends. I see them quarrelling and in discordance, yet they stay together. When I ask them why they are in that relationship, the common answer is that they don’t want to be alone. I only know one couple that is in harmony. I have never observed them in conflict of any sort.
I love spending time on my own. And I also love having friends and socializing. It’s the intimate relationship that brings disharmony into my life. Although, it’s where the evolution happens and that’s why it isn’t easy.
The thing is, I’m 64 and I want it to be easy. I’ve had uneasy for much too long and I have so little patience or desire for uneasy.
The Farm
We stayed at a 65 acre farm on Vancouver Island. My memories are filled with fruit. Blueberries, blackberries, mulberries, goji berries, raspberries, huckleberries, thimbleberries, wild cherries, apples and pears. They also had a huge vegetable garden including swiss chard and basil. Here is my typical breakfast filled with those berries.
They had very cute goats.
And a magical house in the forest.
Under the shade of an apple tree, I was sitting in a hammock reading an Ernest Hemingway novel. And the most beautiful duck comes waddling by. It was a Muskovy duck. He wandered about the farm by himself seemingly detached from any dangers such as the bears or bald eagles that frequented the farm. I fed him blueberries which he gobbled up with enthusiasm. I liked his simple life.
Hemingway’s writing style is simple, direct and unadorned. I like that. So I named the duck Ernie.
The farm is located in the middle of paradise. It’s a half hour drive to a crystal clear Comox lake that was one of my greatest pleasures on the trip. Swimming in that refreshing water amidst the beauty of the mountains transported me to Shangri-La.
It’s also 15 minutes to the ocean. You can see the mainland mountains across the ocean and breathe in the spectacular beauty of nature in that realm.
Or you could travel 15 minutes in another direction and visit Nymph Falls. That entire section of river is a waterfall that slopes gently down so you could walk up the waterfall like that man in the middle of the photo. It’s magical.
Community
In another life, I was married. My wife’s parents lived only 30 minutes south of the farm in a small hamlet called Fanny Bay. We used to bring my daughter, Meg, to visit in the summers. The funny thing was that I never felt the full impact of that paradise. I’m not sure why. Perhaps I was too involved in raising a family and interacting with the in-laws. I don’t remember thinking that it was a paradise. Isn’t that strange?
Perhaps not. Reality is perceived by our minds. Our minds change all the time. Reality changes.
Except for the extended family, I never had a sense of community.
This time it was different. I was introduced to my type of people. I attended a kirtan and a Dance Temple. Both of them were held on beautiful farms.
Kirtan
A kirtan is a spiritual group chant, usually in Sanskrit but also in english. I used to be a singer in a kirtan band before Covid disbanded us. It was beautiful to sing with the locals and meet new people. Here is one of my favorites.
Meaning of the mantra ‘Sat Narayan Wahe Guru Hari Narayan Sat Nam’:
This sacred chant aids supports relaxation, embracing a state of effortless surrender, and harmonizing with life’s current. The resonance of “Narayan” is intertwined with the water element, embodying Vishnu, the deity of water. Water, a purifier, flows gracefully, capable of carrying us while we surrender and trust. As a fetus, we resided in our mother’s aquatic embrace — a sanctuary of security and guardianship. By intoning this mantra, we revisit that primordial tranquility. As we sense it within, our vibrations amplify, radiating outward, ushering serenity into the world. We resonate with the essence of the divine.
Dance Temple
Dance Temple is a form of free expression dance where the intention is to express your authentic feelings in the moment. It is usually facilitated. It is also related to 5 Rhythms Dance and Ecstatic Dance. In Calgary, the dances are mostly indoors. But this dance was held at a beautiful forested farm and I was able to dance with a willow tree for the first time!
This was my community!
The Scene of the Crime
In 1978 when I was 17 years old I visited an island to the south of the farm called Gabriola Island. I was only a few weeks away from my 18th birthday. I only saw the significance of the number 17 a few days ago.
Three of my high school friends and I decided that we wanted to go camping. So Sabino got permission from his uncle for us to stay at his campground on Gabriola Island.
We were caught unprepared and as night fell we were freezing cold. So I found an open window in the campground office and we slept in the office for the night. Unknown to the rest of us, one of the boys stole a bbq set. It was a silly spatula, fork and apron. We were charged with breaking and entering. The other three boys were 18 y/o and I was still 17. We all got fingerprints and mugshots taken. I got into a world of trouble with my parents and had a social worker visit. Because I was 17 and the police were lenient, I didn’t get charged with a crime.
As we arrived by ferry to the island, I was telling this story and I realized that if I had a criminal record from that, I may never have become a geophysicist. My entire life could have been different.
That Was Then, This is Now
As we drove off the ferry onto Gabriola Island, the past was only a story. I was creating a new story this time. We stayed at an enchanting house that was on a steep hillside made of gigantic boulders. These boulders had been carved out during the last ice age and you could see the polished bowls that were formed from the glacial rivers that scoured the bedrock.
Our first evening there, we went for dinner at the house of friends that were originally from Calgary. We went swimming in the ocean at their oceanfront house. This is their view from their back patio as the sun was setting.
The next day I went by myself to meditate by the ocean. There were massive turkey vultures flying overhead and the cool ocean breeze lulled me to complete inner peace and serenity. I could have stayed there all day.
A Peak Moment
Abraham Maslow described a peak experience as:
“rare, exciting, oceanic, deeply moving, exhilarating, elevating experiences that generate an advanced form of perceiving reality, and are even mystic and magical in their effect upon the experimenter.”
I had one of those moments on the second evening. Our airbnb hostess took us to an open mic night at a waterfront park. What I learned is that Gabriola has many artists and musicians that live there. It was a constant stream of local musicians for about three hours.
I’ve been practicing dance for close to 30 years and when music moves me, my body wants to dance. But nobody was dancing. I could see that their bodies wanted to dance. At first I hesitated to dance in front of 100 people because I didn’t want to block their view of the musicians. However, I let that go and take the risk that people wanted to dance. So I got up and danced by myself. Slowly people started joining me. Then it was three hours of beautiful music, dancing with the community on a moonlit night by the ocean. That was my peak experience.
Let’s Do the Time Warp
It’s astounding
Time is fleetingIt’s just a jump to the left
And then a step to the right
Put your hands on your hips
You bring your knees in tightLet’s do the Time Warp again
Let’s do the Time Warp againRocky Horror Picture Show — Time Warp
I grew up in North Vancouver. I walked to my elementary school which was only about 5 blocks away. Across the street was a convenience store owned by the Yee family. This was my playground and where so many of my childhood joys and traumas happened.
My senior high school was only two blocks from my house.
Through those years of school before I would leave to university, there was a constant. I was madly in love with a girl that I was always too shy to ask out. It started in grade 1 and ended in grade 12. Her name was Lisa.
It was crazy. She was in so many of my classes and sometimes we played together at the school grounds. I remember her chasing me to put me in the “dungeon”. She was one of the nicest people I’ve known in my life and she had such kind energy. I just didn’t have the courage to ask her out. What would life have been like if I had the courage?
After leaving Gabriola Island we pulled off the ferry into North Vancouver and I was given the airbnb address that we would be staying at. As I looked at the map, I suddenly realized that the address was in my childhood neighborhood. I didn’t book it so I had no idea.
In fact, the address was the house that Lisa grew up in. I was 99% positive.
When I woke up in the morning, I talked to Cherish, the young lady that lived in the house, and told her the story about Lisa. Her mouth dropped and she started laughing because Lisa’s brother, Tim, was the auto mechanic for Cherish’s parents. Her parents had bought the house from Lisa’s parents decades ago. So yes, I slept in the same house that Lisa grew up in. I never stepped foot in that house until that day.
I took a jump to the left and a step to the right and I did the time warp.
The Apocalypse
The entire 3 weeks that we were on Vancouver Island, it was perfect weather. We had just the right amount of sunshine and rain. The bonus was that there wasn’t any smoke. That’s a bonus because for all intents and purposes, Canada is on fire.
As we drove back to Calgary we approached the interior of the province of British Columbia where some of the hottest temperatures can be found in the summer. This is what I saw.
That was the first of two out of control wildfires in the area. We stopped overnight in Salmon Arm and the second one, the Adams Lake fire, filled the valley with smoke.
I seemed to be stepping in and out of different realities.
Danger on the Road
As if the universe wanted to send a reminder about the consequences of dangerous driving and being in a hurry, our return home was cut short.
Halfway between Revelstoke and Golden we came to a screeching halt. Traffic was backed up as far as the eye could see. We soon learned that there was a traffic accident that had backed up traffic for 150 km either way. We sat there for 6 hours. Some people gave up and turned around to back the way they came. They would have to stay overnight at hotels and airbnb’s which had jacked up their prices to $300 — $400/night. Capitalism is so efficient.
She has but doesn’t possess,
acts but doesn’t expect.
We stayed and surprisingly we formed community. We met the people that were next to us. One of them was a family from Alberta. The father was Colin and he was with his wife and teenage son. They were farmers and their 19 y/o son had texted them to hurry home because he had prepared a roast chicken dinner for them.
What? Does that seem unusual to you? Long story short, it seems that life on the farm does that to kids. It teaches them values in life that enable them to go out into the world and be kind and loving to others.
We only had enough bread to make one peanut butter sandwich. So I made it for Colin’s son. He was a good kid too. Colin offered to pay me for it but I refused. So Colin says to his son, “You see, that’s kindness and you have the opportunity to pay it forward.”
Another lady brought some granola bars around and shared them and soon enough we had a sparse looking pot luck formed by community.
That turned out to be my second peak moment. It filled my heart with joy to see people coming together on the side of the road, being kind to each other.
It turned out that a head on collision happened just 5 km ahead of us. We could see the helicopter ambulance fly overhead and we saw the tow trucks taking away the vehicles. One of them had the entire front end including the drivers seat obliterated. From the news, I found out his name was Craig. He was about 35 years old. His Kia Rio crossed the line into oncoming traffic and I’m sure he died instantly in that head on collision.
I’m guessing that he was trying to pass. Perhaps he was in a hurry. I guess we’ll never know.
Things arise and she lets them come;
things disappear and she lets them go.
Life can change in an instant. The passengers in the other vehicle survived but it could have been us. By the time traffic was moving again, it was 10:30 pm. We sped home in the dark, much over the limit, and there were times that it looked like we were going to fly off a cliff into the dark. I requested with urgency that she slow down so we could arrive alive back in Calgary. This time she listened and I’m alive to tell this story. I made a second mental note not to be a passenger, on a highway, with her driving again.
Then I let it go.
Home Sweet Home
When her work is done, she forgets it.
That is why it lasts forever.
I visited paradise for 3 weeks and now I’m back in Calgary. Our city doesn’t appear to be the same paradise as on the farm. Visually it doesn’t look the same. But I love being back home. Alive.
The outer world can change but I felt my own wonderful paradise inside me. I now had time to be by myself. I’ve been tending the garden, sitting in my backyard hammock reading a new book and loving the solitude again.
It was a beautiful vacation in many ways. And now I forget it.
That’s why it lasts forever.
Love and Hugs
Francis
